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this is so unfair. people who had no desire to go home got to go home a full week before me. and im still sitting here waiting. waiting for something good to happen. waiting for the weight to be lifted off my shoulders and for me to feel better finally. i need to go home and wash my hands of this god awful semester and move forward and never look back.
i spent these past four months being incredibly unhappy and stressed and worried and i need it to be over. i need to be surrounded by my family and friends and matt and just forget about the awful things that i am constantly dealing with when i am here at school.

liz came. it was nice. we didnt get into the bar so we just ended up going out to dinner, drinking in the room and watching tv and catching up. she left around 2 today.

im just having a terrible day. melissa went home for the weekend... i wish i did. that would be so stupid though. why cant my boyfriend just come up and surprise me and make me happy? i dont get it. he would never do it and it sucks. and i really want him to.
shes coming back and then leaving on tuesday so i get another 2 nights on my own after that. great. i hate this place and i forgot how much until today. i was alright this past week but it just dawned on me that the world is playing a sick joke on my life. not only am i here until the LAST possible day, im here til the LAST POSSILBE HOUR. what the fuck, college? and its SO pointless!!!!!!!! its not even a final. i basically just have to show my face and listen to class presenations for the two hours and then drive home alone in the middle of the night. awesome life.

i want to go home and start this summer and start feeling like myself again. please? :[
well, hey people. i dont really know where to start.
today is my first whole day back since i left buffalo and its already taking a toll on me. i feel lost and depressed and lonely and its awful.

this weekend was exactly what i needed. i missed a class on friday and left at 11am. drove, stopped once for gas and a coffee which i ended up throwing out because a, it sucked and b, i have no cup holders [thanks pontiac]
it snowed a little and my windsheild wipers are messed up so that was the least fun part ever. i got to buffalo at around 4pm. exaclty 5 hours. matt was just leaving his last class so i met up with him in the parking lot where i was to park for the next couple of hours. we went inside and just hung out together for an hour or so. met some friends of his but mostly just hung out together. then we moved my car and went to dinner with some people at the union. it was kind of awkward at first and noone was really talking. his friend was in a bad mood cause she wanted to go to see her boyfriend this weekend and ended up not going. i just felt awkward for the whole dinner.after that, we hung out in his suite. watched the olympics and just kind of relaxed together after a long week and a long drive. spent a long time in the RA office with alice just hanging out and talking about random stuff.
the next day, we woke up for brunch and i met more friends of his. we went to the dining hall and had pancakes lol. everyone was in a better mood so that was good. after that, matt and i spent some time together and then me, him, darcy and alice went to Walmart. i got a scale and 2 of those water bottle thingys and paint pens to decorate and fill with alcohol when jill comes this weekend lol. then alice got some alcohol for paul and matt and we went back to campus at like 5pm.
that night, matt and i went into town and went out to dinner to this place called Panos. it was really good and we had a nice dinner together. i was happy about it :] then we drove down their main road and looked at all the places and he showed me where hes walked to [i know shocking] and it was pretty far down. its really so much better than new paltz. idk why i chose this place sometimes.
later that night, we all hung out in matts room and played kings and other silly games and just talked. matt drank a whole lot and i had like, half a cup of wine because it was really sweet and thick and i couldnt drink it. i was so tired and it was 5am by the time we went to sleep.
the next day, we slept in cause we were super tired and missed the program we told his friend we would go to. it was a good one too. oh well. we ended up getting taco bell and being lazy all day which was silly because it was pretty nice out and i wanted to go into town during the day time. i think we were just way too tired from going to bed at 5am. then we all ordered pizza and wings and watched hockey. it was sunday for everyone so it wasnt like we were going to do anything crazy anyway. we also met alice's boyfriend too and hung out in her room for a little. also, had to move my car at 130 when we realized that at 6am, i wasnt allowed to be parked there. had to wake up at 7am to get coolant for my car and then drive back 5 hours. we were on edge and it was hard to leave but i had to. stopped for coffee and a bathroom break cause i was like, falling asleep. then stopped again for gas when i was closer cause it was cheap and i wanted to have something in my tank before i parked and left my car sitting.
i guess i could stop outlining the weekend now.
all in all, it would have been perfect if we did nothing but sit and hold hands because just being with him makes me 438232 times happier than when i am here.
the second i got back, all hell broke loose though. my computer had a virus and i spent all the time i had til my 3 hour class trying to fix it and i couldnt. i just felt like the entire day was falling apart and i couldnt handle it. then nick came to do homework and we had huge trouble doing it and alex was here fixing my computer and it seemed hopeless.
and by the time all this ended, i had a night host meeting and it was late and i hardly slept and just yeah. worst day.
today, the snow just made it worse and worse. i cant stand campus and how they never clean the streets and sidewalks or salt the giant hill i have to walk up and down ten times a day.
i wanted to go to the gym but its gross out and i didnt. all i have it myself to blame for being a fat mess for the rest of my life. good stuff.
i just wanted something to be good for once and nothing ever is.
i thought this weekend would be perfect and help me so much but its only making it worse seeing how much better his life is without me than mine is without him.
i feel like jill is going to come and im just going to be embarassed because shes going to expect me to have people for her to meet and things for us to do with others and its just not going to go down like that. oh well.
i want to see my mom but shes not going to come up here out of the blue and i cant go home because of work and stupid stuff.
i wish i had better things to discuss but i just dont. this weekend was good and it sucks that there are people that get to feel that good every single day they are at school and i dont. ever. i wish i could transfer and forget about every single person here.i think if liz wasnt coming back, i would do it.
speaking of liz, shes been livin it up in paris since last thursday and i havent gotten to talk to her since. it kinda sucks.

idk. im just ranting and this is all horrible and im in the worst mood ever and i dont fucking care about looking forward to ANYTHING. fuck it all.

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